one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
