Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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