She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
