this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
