yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
