They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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