i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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