i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
