Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
