now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
