Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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