mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
