Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
