We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
