I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
