Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
