Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
