highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
