So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
