Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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