maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
