I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
