my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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