Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
