OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
