I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
