cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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