im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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