I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
