My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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