Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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