i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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