Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
