there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
