That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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