Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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