so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
