I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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