I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
