Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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