I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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