Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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