The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
