I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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