I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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