When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
