Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
