she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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