also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
this will be a night to untag.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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