im drinking this country out of the recession.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
They took my balls.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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