I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
